But If I Were to Make a List...

"In the Shadow of the F-Word" by Kate, Feb. 2009

A while back, before I became a member of facebook, there was a questionnaire asking people to list 25 random things about themselves. Of course I would never compose such a list, because that would be gross. No one has asked, and no one wants to know any more about me than they already do. Nope -- Don't you worry! No such list will be emanating from these fingertips!

If I were to make a list, however, here are some things that would be on it:

(1) Some days I leave my house feeling like I'm a pretty nice person. Then, a little while later, I return home feeling like maybe I should just get under my bed and stay there until I can stop bothering people so much. But on other days, I might grudgingly head out to do some uninspiring errand, and come home feeling like Life is something really wonderful to be a part of, because there are just so many beautiful people and trees and clouds and animals out there to connect with. Go figure.

(2) I really seem to have created an art form out of spilling things. I recently wrote (and illustrated) a post about spilling a glass of red wine all over my bright shiny yellow jacket and white jeans. While that was a pretty good one, there are two other Stupendous Spilling Stunts etched in my memory that make that one look like child's play. I'll save the details for a future blog, but in case I ask you to remind me, let's call them "Impress-the-[daughter's]-In-Laws Beer Boomerang" and "Happy Anniversary, Honey -- How's About I Knock this Entire Pitcher of Red Wine into Your Lap?"

(3) Umm, that first thing I said about hiding under my bed...Well, that actually would not be possible, because under the bed (that's every bed in this house) is where I bury my treasures. Sorry, no vacancies. In fact, the legs of my bed don't even reach the floor any more. The best I'd be able to do is to curl up beside my bed. I suppose that would work just as well...

(4) There is no Quiet Place inside of me. Well, perhaps there is one, but I just haven't been able to find it. Or maybe I found it once, but then I forgot where it was. Hey -- Maybe it's under my bed!

(5) My favorite thing about our entire house is my bedroom window. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be able to lie in my bed every morning, sipping coffee through a straw (served to me by MAHG), and gazing out at the two trees that have now grown past the roof (perhaps having doubled their size since we bought the place 18 years ago). No matter the season, those trees are awesome, and my heart would break if we were ever to lose them.

(6) There are some things that really are perfect. One of them was Monday morning (May 4) between 9 and 10 o'clock while I was out walking in my neighborhood. (And humming, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood..." No, I wasn't! I just thought of that. But it really was perfect!)

(7) Sometimes I edit a post months after it's been published, even though I know no one is ever going to go back and re-read it. That's why I do it -- I like to make each little post, no matter how pointless or banal, feel as if it matters -- that someone cares. That someone is me!

(8) I like using words like "banal" when I write, even though I rarely use them in conversation.

(9) I do use the f-word in conversation -- quite liberally, in fact -- but I cannot bring myself to use it in this blog. (I do, however, find it most effectively expressive when other people do so.)

(10) Aside from the fact that no one is going to go back and re-read my blog, there are very few things that I know for certain. Everything might be something other than what I think it is. Like when I'm getting ready to make a lefthand turn into traffic. First, I look to my left. Clear. Then I look to my right. Nothing. Check left again; getting ready to pull out...But wait -- Was there a car approaching from the right? I didn't see one, but there could have been...Do you see why I'm frequently running late?

(11) If you don't like who I am today, give me another try tomorrow -- I might be someone else.

(12) Sometimes I'm embarrassed by how delighted I am to be employed as a sales associate in a fabric store at a barely break-even salary. But I quickly suppress that feeling, because I realize that the only reason to feel embarrassed is that I care too much what other people think. I am choosing to deny ownership of that particular character flaw!

(13) I like to be noticed when I do the Right Thing. When I'm driving, for instance, and upon seeing an amber light, I gradually apply my brakes so that I come to a complete stop before it turns red. Or when I see a school bus with flashing red lights, and I immediately park my car and wait patiently for the bus to move on, signifying that all of the children are safe. When I pull over to the right and slow down or stop upon hearing a siren...These are all times I like to think there's a police officer nearby, covertly watching me, and that he smiles and nods in a very pleased manner when he sees my [proper] behavior.

(14) It's not getting old that I mind so much as the idea of becoming invisible. But there is another way of looking at it. This is where I can apply a favorite (author unknown) quote: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you look at it." It might be kind of nice to be invisible sometimes. Just think: You get up in the morning, stumble into the kitchen and grope for an apple. You don't connect with one, so you put on your glasses (you're old -- remember?) and see that the bowl is empty. You have to go to the store (dammit), but you don't feel like getting dressed yet. So who cares? You're invisible -- No one's even going to notice that you're there in your flannel nighty and rubber-soled slippers!

(15) We have a cat and I love her, but I'm not really a Cat Lover. However, I do admire (and envy) the way cats always seem to be in control. And I'm completely entertained by the way that people who do love cats allow them such control. Apparently, part of that control is the ability cats have to make humans talk to them in stupid little high-pitched voices. Now tell me -- How often do you hear someone yell at their cat? (I mean besides me.)

(16) We don't have a dog now, but we've had two of them since I married MAHG. I really, really loved both of them. But I don't love the doggish things about dogs. You know -- the poop/pee clean-up, the see/smell/hear/think about-food slobbering, the ohmigod-somebody's-here frenzied barking every time someone approaches the door, the way they smell when they're wet and the way they leave hairy evidence of their presence all over the house. But I surely do love burying my face in neck of a nice clean-smelling pup who loves me in spite of the fact that I have so many complaints about him!

(17) One of my favorite quotes is attributed to Groucho Marx: "Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a good book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

(18) I have an uncanny ability to fit myself into any story, making it extremely easy for me to turn just about every conversation into something about me! (I try not to do this, though, unless I'm very bored.)

(19) I really do think you can learn how to do just about anything you can find a book about. Although I have proved that this is not entirely true (Have you ever tried learning how to play tennis by reading a book?), I continue to buy books about carpentry, furniture upholstery, ballet dancing, landscaping, cutting your own hair...

(20) Sometimes I crack myself up. It doesn't even matter if anyone else laughs. Well, OK, that's not true -- I really do love making people laugh. But I guess it's not essential. I do hate it, though, when someone finds it necessary to tell me that I'm not funny. Maybe to that person I'm not. But there must be some idiot out there somewhere who would laugh, if only he could see me!

(21) My dad was my best audience. (And my mom was my best critic. I needed one of those, too, but this is about my dad.) I guess I knew that even when he was here. But now that he's gone, I often find myself imagining his reaction to something I've said or written or made or done. Then sometimes I cry, but sometimes I only feel like crying. And sometimes I just smile.

(22) OK, I'm going to admit it -- I am obsessive. Every time I discover something I like, I tend to go a bit overboard. But wait -- Maybe it's just overboard for those who sit in judgment. Maybe for me it's just right. Anyway, I don't think obsessiveness is always a bad thing. For instance, I was obsessed with each of my children when they were born. Good thing! Who knows what might have happened to them if they hadn't become the entire focus of my life for the first few years of theirs? They may have ended up like that book I once bought -- "Upholster Your Entire House With Sheets" -- Stuffed in a box and dropped off for the church book sale!

(23) Although I can't honestly say that I enjoy reading a lot of poetry, I do love a good limerick. Haikus, too, but mostly the ones I write.

(24) I love my family sooooooooo much! All of them -- my husband/daughter/son family and my sisters/brothers family. Each one of us is crazy in one way or another, and I believe that's the bond that holds us tight. Alas, I do take them for granted -- especially my husband, who really is mostly awesome. I feel bad about that, and would like to change. But I just stay the same. (The love stays, too, though!)

(25) Friends -- I've been very blessed with friends! You know, you read all kinds of quotes about friends -- like how they're always there, even when you ignore them for a while...Well, that's not exactly a quote, but do you know what I'm saying? It's appalling, really -- If you're ignoring them, they shouldn't be your friends! But then maybe they're so busy doing their stuff that they feel bad for ignoring you. Then you run into them somewhere, and you're both like, "Oh, I haven't seen you in so long -- let's get together and catch up on everything!" Then you both walk away thinking, I'm so lucky to have friend like that! I think that's probably what that "quote" is talking about.

So anyway, since you won't be seeing any random list of things about me, I just had a few things I wanted to say -- Thanks for the opportunity!