Bible Thumpin' -- A Hypothetical Blog

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"Bible Thumpin'" by Kate, 3/8/09 (MSN Paint)

Let's just say there's a woman who has a tendency towards obsessions...She becomes passionate about each new distraction that is put in her path, no matter who puts it there.

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Now let's say that this woman has heard of facebook. She has a vague notion of what it's about -- for teens and twenties, right? Since she's neither of those, she doesn't give it much further thought. After all, she has her blog (and a few other things) to be obsessed with.

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Then one day this woman's daughter encourages her to plug into facebook. Now this woman loves and admires her daughter greatly (let's just say), and since Daughter is no longer in her twenties either, Woman says, "Oh, all right -- set me up, Dear."

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And so begins a brand new obsession.

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Now Woman is having a ball. She loves thinking of new things to write on the Status portion of her Wall. She loves thinking of witty things to write on her Friends' Walls. And what fun it is to upload photos and come up with clever captions for them, imagining the looks on her Friends' faces as they see they've been "tagged." (And don't even get her started on the thrill of getting a peek into her Friends' worlds -- seeing who their Friends are, looking at their photos, following their Status updates.) I imagine she wonders, What's not to like about this facebook?

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Well, let's also imagine that this woman has a husband (who maybe also happens to be on facebook -- in fact, let's say he's one of Woman's Friends). For the most part, this woman's husband is not the obsessive type, so let's say that he has a hard time accepting that characteristic in his wife. (I imagine they've been married for a very long time by now, so I personally can't understand why he just won't accept it and deal with it, but that's another hypothetical situation entirely!)

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Naturally, then, Husband is going to begin complaining about the amount of time his wife's obsession with facebook is taking away from her other activites. She probably thinks, Blogging? Clogging? Guitar? And then, of course she realizes that he probably means housework, bookkeeping and stimulating conversation. Of course she then feels a little bit guilty (as well as a little resentful, probably), but she gets his point.

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Then one day, on the heels of a rather loud discussion with her husband (who probably always wins these "discussions"), let's imagine this woman reading that her favorite newspaper columnist (March 5 post) disdains Twitter. Thus far, our woman is only vaguely aware of Twitter, and can't imagine how it could ever become one of her personal obsessions; so she takes the columnist's comments to heart and applies them to her propensity towards facebook and blogging. Of course she tries to justify her obsessions, but alas, more guilt has been added to the heap.

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Well, of course there must be a third hit before the woman really draws herself up short -- Let's call this one a God Smack...

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Let's say that it's now the season of Lent, and since our woman is incapable of giving up much, obsessive as she is, she instead tries to honor the solemnity of that holy season by doing a few extra things -- things like reading a little bit from her Bible every day.

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So then, it wouldn't be out of character, would it, to picture this woman, on a Saturday afternoon (after she's devoted almost an entire Saturday morning to facebook and blogging activities in spite of a nagging sense of guilt that just won't disappear -- after all, there are three bathrooms in this woman's house, and they all need to be cleaned!) sitting down and opening her Bible, would it? Let's say she opens to Isaiah 59. Here's what she would read:

...They trust in emptiness and tell lies; they conceive mischief and bring forth malice.

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Okay. Now I'm thinking that maybe this woman's just a little off balance. This is what filled her with remorse about the amount of face time she's been putting in?!! This is what caused her to try to avoid her computer for the rest of the weekend? Her head must have been in some strange other place when she read that and interpreted it as saying she was evil!

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Now I'm sure this woman truly believes the Bible is the word of God, and as such, completely trusts in it, but look at what else that passage says:

For your hands are stained with blood, your fingers with guilt.

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Okay. Guilty fingers I get. But where's the blood?!!

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Their works are evil works, and deeds of violence come from their hands.

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For heavens sake -- we're saying that this woman is a nice person, who is very careful never to write anything that might hurt someone. Surely this passage cannot apply to her! I guess she must have been feeling particularly bad about herself when she read it. (A houseful of neglected bathrooms can do that to you, you know.)

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Well then. Now let's say our woman has somewhat gotten things in a better perspective...She's come to realize that blogging and facebook are not evil in and of themselves. But if she wants to dispense of some of that guilt she's harboring, she will need to learn to bridle her passions, at least a little bit.

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In conclusion, let's say this:

So she did that (bridle her passions, that is), and managed to live happily ever after in peaceful harmony with her husband and family, with nature, and with her Friends (both facebook and other varieties.) The end.

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An alternate ending might be:

Oh, never mind.