Listing

(Photo by Dave Carson)

List, noun (1)--a record of a number of items; an enumeration.

Example: A national listing of patients in need of organ transplants, i.e., lungs. Ideally, there would be a coordinating list of organs available for transplant, and it would be a simple matter of matching Column A with Column B. Unfortunately, available organs don't remain listed for very long. Patients needing them sometimes do.

List, noun (2)--a leaning to one side, as of a ship.

Since I found out a three years ago that I was a potential candidate for lung transplant, my list has varied widely. First, there was a tip towards fear, then relief when tests revealed that I was "too early" to actually be listed. Sure, I had slowed down a little, but I could happily continue with things the way they were for a very long time, I thought. There was a gradual lean then towards acceptance, where I was able to hold steady until last week, when tests showed that my oxygen saturation has dropped. The disease is progressing.

List, verb intransitive--tilt, careen.

Then the phone call yesterday. They want to schedule a week-long evaluation, preparing me to be placed on the "List." I careened towards denial. I pounded on the door and rattled the knob, but no one would let me in.

Now I'm trying to reach trust. I will probably continue to list along the way, but I'm taking a breath and heading towards the horizon. Full speed ahead...