Missed Calling

I think I missed my calling. I don't know why this never occurred to me before, but I think I was supposed to be an advice columnist. It became as clear as a bell this morning as My Awesome Husband Greg was reading to me from our local paper...

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been having an ongoing conflict about when to go to bed at night, as he insists we go to bed at the same time...

He insists? Honey, I wish you had written me before the wedding! The man is clearly an ass hat! Where does he get off insisting that you go to bed at a certain time?!

The writer then goes on to explain that she is a night owl, and sometimes wants to stay up until 11, either because she's not tired, or wants to watch something on TV. He, on the other hand, wants both of them to go to bed at 10 because that's the only way they can get enough sleep before the dog wakes them up at 6.

Okay, Sweetie. It's not like you're going clubbing after he goes to bed, right? I mean you're going to be right there in the den, reading or watching Netflix or something? Tell him the amount of sleep you need has nothing to do with him, and he needs to get over that crap right now!

But there's more...

He apparently whines that she wakes him up when she climbs into bed after him, and he can't get back to sleep.

Have you considered separate beds? Separate rooms? Separate houses?

I think this woman had already worked out the answer to her problem on her own. She just needed me to tell her she was right. Let's see how I did. Here's what "Annie" said:

Dear Tired: Don't let your husband treat you like a child. It sounds as if he has a bit of a controlling streak (ya think?) and it will only grow bigger if you take his demands lying down. (Clever--see what she did there--"lying" down?)

So Annie and I were on the same wavelength. She didn't use "ass hat," and she did suggest compromise--like going to bed early a couple of times a week just to appease the ass hat. I guess I could learn to be a little nicer. This was my first day on the job, after all.

The second letter was from someone wanting to know a good way to let visiting guests know they should limit their teeth-flossing activities to the bathroom, and not perform them in the TV room, leaving their used floss on the sofa. I mean. A good way? Annie suggested politely telling them that they should do that in the bathroom. That might work, but I prefer utilizing a "significant emotional event," such as walking into the room and screaming "Oh my God! What in the hell are you doing?! Were you raised by wolves?!" Just different ways of saying the same thing, right?

I definitely think I'm trainable.