Shhh...I'm Trying To Worry Here

Sometimes I call myself a Thinker. I like the way that sounds, kind of like I'm deep and pensive, a well of unplumbed wisdom just waiting to be tapped.

But if I'm being honest, I have to admit that when you see me sitting with my chin in my hand and my brow slightly furrowed, I'm not so much thinking as I am worrying.

Yep, I'm a Worrier. I actually enjoy worrying, and I'm quite good at it. I worry about things that have already happened, things that are about to happen and things that might happen. Sometimes I even worry about things that could have happened, but didn't.

I do not worry about things I don't know about. I just ignore those things. But, if you give me just one little piece of information about something (maybe with the intention of keeping me from worrying), I will put it in a little box for safekeeping, and then veer around crazily, gathering up any other parts of the picture that I might be able to worry about.

That's where I am right now with regard to being in the "Pre-Transplant" program at Duke University Medical Center.

In October, I was told that, although I have serious lung disease (i.e., "end-stage" lung disease), I was still far too healthy for a transplant. That was all I needed to know -- then. I was happy not to have to worry about that stuff. But this Wednesday, I go back to Duke for reevaluation. Since I don't know anyone who has actually had a lung transplant, I decided to prepare myself by doing a little reading. (The Lung Transplantation Handbook, Second Edition, by Karen A. Couture, published 2001.)

I've only just begun, and already, I have enough information to worry myself to death before Wednesday!

For instance, the number of people who die while waiting for new lungs is more than half of the number of people who actually, receive them, which is but a fraction of the number of people on the list. By way of encouragement, I suppose, it's pointed out that several strategies for increasing the number of lungs donated have recently emerged, such as "exploring the use" of lungs from patients with less-than-perfect chest x-rays, and accepting lungs from donors over 55 years old, or who have a smoking history. I mean !!!!!! You might as well tell me you got my new lungs from the Dollar Store!

And that's only in the "Before Transplantation" section of the book. I can hardly wait to read about what actually happens during a transplant. Surely some bones will broken. That's gotta hurt. I don't handle pain very well. I barely survived the pain from my simple little ankle break a few years ago!

And it's already been hinted that afterwards, there will be drugs with serious, even life-threatening, side effects that I would have to take for the rest of my life. (I'm not even going to mention that that might not actually be very long, based on the bar graph of survival rates.)

See what I mean? I've struck the worrier's jackpot!

I'll be okay, though. I know it doesn't sound like it right now, but I really am a positive person (albeit one who enjoys worrying, as one might enjoy a relaxing hobby). What I'm not is a good decision-maker, tending, as I do, to just go "Click, that's my decision." But I realize that this one will probably be taken out of my hands. When that happens, I will be able to accept whatever is to be. My glass isn't just half-full, after all -- it's overflowing.

As for worrying about -- and fearing -- the unknown, I am going to try to remember something recently posted on facebook by a dear friend who just underwent a double mastectomy...FEAR -- Face Everything And Rise.